So, this week has taken everything out of me. The fog inside my head is unbearable.
Last week Wednesday I had my last eating disorder group.. This made me feel even worse. Even though I will still be getting support for my eating.. And I’m still on a waiting list for individual therapy for it, everyone at the group was saying how much they had benefitted and are getting better.. And there was me, just as confused as the beginning.
Then Monday I had my last day at college. All my friends are really happy that I’ve completed this course.. The first I’ve completed in over 5 years.. Even my work said how proud they are of me.. But I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I didn’t do this apprenticeship the way I was supposed to, the way I planned.. How can I be proud of not working for over 6 months..?!
Anyway, this has, yet again pushed me back down.. I’ve been ignoring home treatment.. Well they were cutting my visits down to twice weekly anyway.. But I’ve not spoken to anyone from them since Sunday.. My own fault. I know it’s selfish.. But I don’t want to face everyone. I’m too ashamed of myself.. Too embarrassed. I’m scarred that they’re going to think that I’m doing better and discharge me.. So I’m even more alone then already am. I need more help at the moment.. Not less.
Anyway, that’s all for today. Thank you for reading.
I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..
My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.
Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team.
This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.
This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..
On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.