Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard.
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this..
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself.
Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.
It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns.
It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess.
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x