I do apologise for the lack of posting, have had a very hectic few days, and have just not been coping and have just not felt like posting.
So, after having the lunch with my mother things started to get even worse for me, and my ‘bad behaviours’ took over. Not getting out of bed. Not showering.. Not eating.. Just isolating myself from everything and everyone really. There’s only one person who’s really been there and I would be lost without her. I’ve had my nose pierced which was a big deal for me as have a phobia of needles and have wanted it done for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I seem to convincing the professions that I’m doing better.. Whatever that means.. Even though I truly believe I’m getting worse and worse. I saw my support worker last week who said I’d lost weight.. But I don’t think that’s really true. He’s the only one that asks about food.. Other than one of my friends..
Anyway, on Sunday I flew to Germany to stay at my dad’s. I love seeing him, but it just brings back so many bad memories. I lived here for over 10 years. And again for 3 months four years ago now. That’s when things started to go wrong, and was abused by men.. And every time I come back here all I can remember are those times. Flashbacks getting worse and worse while I’m out here. Only another 7 days.. I can do that.. I hope. Alcohol every night. Stops me from thinking.
Anyway, so I had my 20th birthday yesterday, which was so bad. I hate birthdays at the best of times.. But being away from my friends who have kept me going has really been hard. I spent all day alone, as, even though my father wants me here, he’s working. Birthdays are always a reminder of what a useless, ugly, fat, bad bad person I am.. I ate way too much.. So took lots of laxatives. Waking up this morning and going for a run seems to satisfy the little voice telling I was fat.
Just need to get through the next seven days.. So many memories here that I just can’t deal with. My dads trying he’s best to get me to move back here.. I feel bad as he is here alone, so I need to smile and be a good daughter.
On another note a teacher from my college sent me a really nice email, I want to be able to get something from the past two years.. But not sure I’ll actually be able to as I just can’t concentrate on anything. She was just too kind to me over the years.
Anyway, no real point to this post. Just an update I guess. I’m sorry for moaning.
Thank you for reading.
I’m sorry for my lack of posting. I’ve been really struggling, and have not had the inspiration or knowledge as to know what to post.
I have since decided to just post about what is happening.
So, I’ve been really struggling with high emotions and difficult urges to deal with.. Which I’m not.
So I’ve never really had issues with my weight. I mean I’ve always hated the way I look.. But at the moment it runs so much deeper. Every time I looks at myself in the mirror all see is far I am.. Ugly face.. Thunder thighs.. Bingo wings.. Fat, fat, fat.
I have started eating less and exercising more. I hope this helps these thoughts.
Anyway.. Been self harming a bit too.. Lots of my friends are really struggling at the moment.. and I’m doing the best I can to help them… but I feel like I’m not helping much.. feel like a hypocrite whenever I say anything.. I try and tell them how to change… but i don’t take my own advice..
Sorry. That’s my moan over. Hoping you are all ok. Thank you for reading. x
So, as I have said I want to write near enough every day, however I do not feel very inspired today. I think the heat is getting to me a bit, and the medication that I’m on us making me sleepy and shaky. All in all not good.
I’ve been doing my best to help my friends, two of which are currently in hospital, and another isn’t doing well eather, so am worried about them all. I think it’s draining all my energy, but I cannot let it as my friends need me.
On a positive… Ice cream is an amazing invention! 🍦Hope you are all well.
So, England is blessed with a sunny warm day, and it has me thinking of how weather affects your mood. Now, I can’t talk for everyone, so I will say how it affects my mood.
Lets start with sun, in general it makes me feel slightly better. But when it starts to get hot I find it difficult to manage. There are two main reasons behind this, first and I think easiest to describe is because of my scars, this makes me feel very self conscious and so feel unable to go out and enjoy the weather. The second is that I find it difficult to see how everyone is so happy outside. Happy families, friends, and couples enjoying themselves. I feel like, when it’s sunny and warm, I need to act happy to conform with societies image, which is very draining. Let me just add that this does not include holidays when I am away to enjoy the weather, although even this is a rarity now.
These reasons mean I prefer weather that is cool. I for one really enjoy rain, proper rain not London drizzle.
But for me, the best weather is snow. Without a doubt snow brings out the inner child in me, and in so many others. Snow for me symbolises innocence. A blank slate where anything can happen. Anything is possible. For me it brings more hope, that things are able to change and you can achieve happiness. Winter is soon followed by spring, my favourite time of the year, as you can see how nature grows and things change.
I want to leave you all with a little thought. If your having a hard time, a dark day where you feel stuck, trapped or just upset, try and think of whatever has gotten you through in the past. Things can better, you need to believe in yourselves, and ask for help when needed. Thinking of you all.