Reliant on services..?

So last week I had the worse session in therapy I’ve had in a very long time. I came home crying, and haven’t really been able to stop myself from self-destruction since. 

My theapist made a comment about how, because I’ve been in and out of mental health services for the past 6 years or so, I’ve become reliant on them. This made me feel like an attention seeker. Someone whose using up services when there’s people that need it more, that could benefit from it more than me. It’s made me feel selfish. But more importantly, it’s made me feel like I’ll never get better. Since Christmas time I’ve been getting worse.. My bulimia’s gotten bad again, and I’ve been self harming again.. Plus a lot of suicidal thoughts and stuff.. Well, that’s only been this past week but still. 

The therapy I’m getting at the moment is running out. I’ve got 3 more sessions left.. And then I’ll be discharged. From everyone. It’s ironic really, considering last year I decided I would really attempt on getting ‘better’. I quit college, because that’s what was adviced by the eating disorder service. I really wanted to get better. For a long time I thought if i got the right type of help, I’d be able to get myself out of this hole that I’ve dug myself into. Here in England, or at least where I am, you can only be under one service, which basically means you can only be treated for one issue. I’ve been with the eating disorder service for last few months, which means that I can’t talk to them about my self harm, BPD, or anything depression/anxiety related. I was told when I first saw them that if I did admit to re-lapsing with my self harm and stuff I’d become too high risk for them, and I’d be discharged.. This has already happened to be previously.. So I’ve not been telling them stuff.. until a few weeks ago, when my support worker saw me, and said she’d call and explain things.. Which was good in a way, because it meant at least they knew now.. But it’s led to this. This mess.

I’ve learned this week that i won’t get the help I need. Yes, maybe I am a bit ‘reliant’ on the support from people outside of my real life. Professionals who can talk me down from doing stuff to myself, help me find healthier ways on dealing with problems. But I don’t understand why, someone with a mental health probelm is made to feel like it’s they’re fault. For getting unwell, for the things they say, the things they do, and if and when they do get help, if that help doesn’t help it’s because we don’t try had enough, we like the attention.. If someone with a physical problem doesn’t react with the treat they’re receiving, they wouldn’t blame the person, they’d try and change the treatment. If they’ve got more than one issue, that sometimes interlink, they would try and treat them together. Not one problem at a time. 

Anyway, I’m rambling again. As usual really. I’m really struggling with dark thoughts. I’ll never get better. I’ll never feel happy. I’ll never be able to eat without feeling guilty, making myself sick after, or walking x amount to cancel out x amount of calories.. Just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve tried to ask for help, hell I’ve gotten help and it’s not worked. I’m struggling now, more than ever. 

A little about me

Okay, so I know I have already done something similar, but I think it’s time I update this a little. 

Last year was difficult. One of my best friends died due to a combination of factors, her mental illness (she struggled with a few) and a complete let down in her care. Well in my option.

Last year my gran had a stroke and has since been near enough bed-ridden, meaning my dad has hardly been able to come to England. My sister graduation university, studying medicine, and I started my part time course in Pastry. Last year I had some input from services with my personality disorder, but only a little, and this year I fought to get back into therapy for my eating disorder (I’ve been formally diagnosed with Bulimia, although I still find it difficult to come to terms with it all)

Anyway, so I am now 23 years old. I’m a female who lives just outside of London. I am still working on a better relationship with my family, we are slowly getting there, well, mostly. I have an older sister (but we rarly talk) a younger brother, who’s relationship is slowly improving and both my parents. My dad works in Germany, my mum here in England, I live alone due to a big variety of factors, and that’s okay. 

I compelled my level 2 pastry course in June.. Well only just. I had relapsed quit badly and very almost ended my life.. My eating got out of hand (when was it ever normal though..) 

I’m still in therapy for my eating.. Here in England you’re put on a waiting list, I waited for about 3 months, which is not that bad, in other places in this country people wait over a year. I was given 24(?) I think (?) sessions, and I now only have 10(?) sessions left.. Roughly. I’m not too sure. In between this my therapist has changed.. Great, as if it wasn’t hard enough opening up to one person. 

I was due to go back to college in September.. Well I did go back.. But only for a little while. I know I need to work on my eating, and I think being in that environment was making it worse, so I had to make a decision. Take some time out, get stronger and hopefully return a better person, or continue, get worse, and probably need more time off in the long term. Of course it wasn’t that simple, and I was heart broken. I love the work, and I know it’s what I want todo in my life, but I’m not ready yet. 

So, that’s what I’m trying to do. I want to write my stuff here. I don’t care if nobody reads. I think it’s more to document things, and have an outlet for myself. Im planning on writing a few political stuff.. Well my views on them.. Some life stuff. Therapy… A bit of everything I hope. I’d like to raise some awareness along the way. Even help make people less alone.. If I can.
Sending love to you all. Stay strong. x

Sometimes this sytem just doesn’t work. 

So, the week after the therapy session where I felt like I wanted to quit, last week Friday, I had therapy again.. And that time it was much much better. She understood more how much I haven’t been coping.. But now she’s off for 3 weeks. Great. 

So then I had my appointment with my GP on Thursday just gone at 11:40.. But was half hour late.. I understand that, but it just makes me panic more.  Baring in mind my support worker had written a letter to my GP saying she was ‘fearful of my life’ or something.. Anyway, I’d been self harming the evening before, and even a couple hours before. So my GP dressed it.. And sent me to a&e with a letter… She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want me going home feeling the way I was. She even spoke about me to other doctors in the surgery, how embarrassing. A&E did nothing as usual.. I now have no medication for tonight.. How can they repeatedly ignore me like this..? And the other services..? My therapist is on leave for 3 weeks.. The only ‘useful’ thing they suggested is that they would contact the service and see if someone would contact me to ‘check in’.. So fed up. I can’t cope with all these feelings.. 

I’m at a stage where I don’t know what todo with myself anymore. Like I feel like I’ve tried to ask for help.. Others have tried for me.. But somehow people don’t take me seriously. I hate the system. 

Stay strong all. 

A little update and moan.

Hi all,

I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..

My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.

Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team. 

This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.

This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..

On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.

Sending all my love and strength.
❤️ xxxx