Hi, I’m sorry for the lack of posts.. Things have been difficult. My depression has taken a bit of a downward spiral, but I’m trying to work through it.
My post today is about social media.. While there’s a lot of uncertainty happening in the world, some of my family have been trying to advise me on not spending too much time on social media. My anxiety has been on an all time high, feeling like there will be a war soon and all sorts.. I’ve had a lot of irrational thoughts.. Anxiety. People say taking a break from social media will help.. Give you a little time to yourself and space to reevaluate things. If that works for you, I really encourage it.. As long as you’re not isolating yourself.
For me, if I’m not on social media, normally it means I am doing just that though.. Which is what I’ve been doing a lot recently to be honest. Sure, the media can make things worse at times, and can blow a lot of things out of proportion, but, for the most part, I tend to use it more to connect with people. Speak to my friends, see what they are doing, make sure they’re okay, and yes, once in a while check the news to make sure I know what’s happening out there. I can’t simply stop doing that to avoid stresses. Stopping going on social media for me means cutting myself off from my friends, and eventually (and by that I mean in about a day) feeling even more isolated.. Which, for me is already a problem.
Anyway, to prevent this rambling going on much longer, my point is, partly I agree, sometimes taking a break can be a good thing, but I don’t think it will help me.
Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard.
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this..
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself.
Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.
It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns.
It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess.
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x
I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..
My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.
Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team.
This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.
This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..
On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.