A little about me

Okay, so I know I have already done something similar, but I think it’s time I update this a little. 

Last year was difficult. One of my best friends died due to a combination of factors, her mental illness (she struggled with a few) and a complete let down in her care. Well in my option.

Last year my gran had a stroke and has since been near enough bed-ridden, meaning my dad has hardly been able to come to England. My sister graduation university, studying medicine, and I started my part time course in Pastry. Last year I had some input from services with my personality disorder, but only a little, and this year I fought to get back into therapy for my eating disorder (I’ve been formally diagnosed with Bulimia, although I still find it difficult to come to terms with it all)

Anyway, so I am now 23 years old. I’m a female who lives just outside of London. I am still working on a better relationship with my family, we are slowly getting there, well, mostly. I have an older sister (but we rarly talk) a younger brother, who’s relationship is slowly improving and both my parents. My dad works in Germany, my mum here in England, I live alone due to a big variety of factors, and that’s okay. 

I compelled my level 2 pastry course in June.. Well only just. I had relapsed quit badly and very almost ended my life.. My eating got out of hand (when was it ever normal though..) 

I’m still in therapy for my eating.. Here in England you’re put on a waiting list, I waited for about 3 months, which is not that bad, in other places in this country people wait over a year. I was given 24(?) I think (?) sessions, and I now only have 10(?) sessions left.. Roughly. I’m not too sure. In between this my therapist has changed.. Great, as if it wasn’t hard enough opening up to one person. 

I was due to go back to college in September.. Well I did go back.. But only for a little while. I know I need to work on my eating, and I think being in that environment was making it worse, so I had to make a decision. Take some time out, get stronger and hopefully return a better person, or continue, get worse, and probably need more time off in the long term. Of course it wasn’t that simple, and I was heart broken. I love the work, and I know it’s what I want todo in my life, but I’m not ready yet. 

So, that’s what I’m trying to do. I want to write my stuff here. I don’t care if nobody reads. I think it’s more to document things, and have an outlet for myself. Im planning on writing a few political stuff.. Well my views on them.. Some life stuff. Therapy… A bit of everything I hope. I’d like to raise some awareness along the way. Even help make people less alone.. If I can.
Sending love to you all. Stay strong. x

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A bit of an update… But mostly me rambling.. Again. 

Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard. 
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this.. 
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself. 

Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.

It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns. 

It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess. 
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x

In a thinky mood.

Hi all, I’m sorry for being so MIA these past few months. Things are still a challenge to say the least.

I watched one of my all time favourite films today, and it got me thinking.. Never good, I know. It was a film about a woman who decides to cook her way through a French cook book in a year.
I’m still so unsure of what I want to do with my life, or at least I know what I want, I just don’t have a way of getting there. I know with all my heart now that I want to become a pastry chef.. But I have no real qualifications, and no experience. I worked for 6 months in a kitchen, which lead me to have another mental health breakdown, and flared up my eating disorder. I still want to do this though, but I have no chance. I think the thing holding me back is fear. Fear that I will not succeed, fear of letting people down and most importantly fear of loosing hope. If I apply for a job, I have no real references, I mean I’ve had to take so much time out of work and education due to my mental health its a bit of a joke really. Plus I don’t really know much about being a pastry chef other than that’s what I want to become. Times are tough with jobs, especially here in London, and I mean honestly, who would even want to higher someone like me..? I’m unreliable.

But how I wish I could do this. How I wish someone out there would give me a chance. I’m 21 years old, with no real future or career prospected, is it any wonder I find life so challenging. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, I guess I needed somewhere to ramble. Thank you all for reading. Stay strong.

Things ending

Hi again,

So, this week has taken everything out of me. The fog inside my head is unbearable.
Last week Wednesday I had my last eating disorder group.. This made me feel even worse. Even though I will still be getting support for my eating.. And I’m still on a waiting list for individual therapy for it, everyone at the group was saying how much they had benefitted and are getting better.. And there was me, just as confused as the beginning.
Then Monday I had my last day at college. All my friends are really happy that I’ve completed this course.. The first I’ve completed in over 5 years.. Even my work said how proud they are of me.. But I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I didn’t do this apprenticeship the way I was supposed to, the way I planned.. How can I be proud of not working for over 6 months..?!

Anyway, this has, yet again pushed me back down.. I’ve been ignoring home treatment.. Well they were cutting my visits down to twice weekly anyway.. But I’ve not spoken to anyone from them since Sunday.. My own fault. I know it’s selfish.. But I don’t want to face everyone. I’m too ashamed of myself.. Too embarrassed. I’m scarred that they’re going to think that I’m doing better and discharge me.. So I’m even more alone then already am. I need more help at the moment.. Not less.

Anyway, that’s all for today. Thank you for reading.

Stay strong. ❤️

A little update and moan.

Hi all,

I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..

My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.

Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team. 

This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.

This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..

On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.

Sending all my love and strength.
❤️ xxxx

Life as it is

I’m sorry I’ve been so rubbish at blogging! I was signed off work for three weeks, and then was on ‘reduced hours’ for a week. I have now been back full time for two and a half weeks.
I’ve now been a lot less open with work. I can’t afford to miss any more. I’m so behind on rent and other bills it scares me.

My emotions have been all over the places.. But mainly just really down. I had a meeting with my care co last week, and she was as useless as usual, saying she was going to transfer me to another service, baring in mind I hadn’t seen the woman for 4months..
I’ve also had a meeting with housing to get me moved out of supported accommodation, which I’m really really nervous about, I don’t think I’m ready at all, but I can’t tell that to anyone, I’m trying to be functional.

I had a major panic yesterday, but I went to college, extremely late, and passed an assessment, with y teacher saying that he’s seen an improvement.. And today I went to work an hour early, I thought I was supposed I start at 8, but actually was only meant to be in at 9.. And didn’t leave till 6.. Yes.. Two hours late! I’m trying really hard to get through this.. I know I’m finally doing something for myself.. Something I’m meant to enjoy..
But I’m just not. I’m so incredibly unhappy. Just want to give up with everything.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and following, means a lot.