I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..
My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.
Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team.
This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.
This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..
On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.
I’ve been trying to write this post in awhile, but haven’t really had the energy to put into words everything I want to say.
Firstly I just wanted you all to know that I’m still off sick again, at least until next week. My work have sent me some lovely sunflowers and a get well soon card which arrived yesterday. It was one of the nicest things anyone’s ever really done for me.
But it got be thinking. Why should it be a surprise..? People mental health difficulties that need to take time out once in a while never get get well cards.. Since I’ve been unwell and have been in hospital and things.. I’ve never gotten a card. I don’t understand this. People would give cards for physical problems, be it a broken leg, a cold or anything more serious like cancer. Why is it that mental health is treated any different..? I think it is completely wrong. It’s just another form of stigma I think.
Anyway, that wasn’t really the point of my post. The point was to write about priorities. I feel like our government doesn’t have the priorities straight. I mean, we get news about new trains that would save lots of time commuting, a train from London to Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds. It estimates that this project will cost around £42.6bn.. According to bbc. Now.. This is only an example of things I feel shouldn’t even be something g they are contemplating. Our country is on tender hooks.. With the NHS on it’s last legs, lots of people in financial problems and the housing crisis we are experiencing.
My main priority is the NHS.. I feel it is letting so many of us users down. No, I do not place blame on the staff.. They are doing all that they can, for the most part, but funding. I myself have been on the waiting list for therapy for almost 6 months now. I have been in and out of a&e departments with no additional help offered.. I’ve had my friends try and help by talking to the staff that are supposedly helping me.. My poor friends that have been at they’re whits end not knowing what else todo.. I’ve even called the crisis line.. A very new experience as I have a phobia of being on the phone.. Telling me to go for a walk.. Because that will help the suicidal thoughts.. After I’d already told them I’ve been.. And tried everything that would normally help..
If 1 in every 4 people experience mental health problems surly there should be more help available.. Not less. The NHS are being forced to cut back resources.. Which includes vital support for people with mental health problems, people like me.
I’m sorry I’ve been so rubbish at blogging! I was signed off work for three weeks, and then was on ‘reduced hours’ for a week. I have now been back full time for two and a half weeks.
I’ve now been a lot less open with work. I can’t afford to miss any more. I’m so behind on rent and other bills it scares me.
My emotions have been all over the places.. But mainly just really down. I had a meeting with my care co last week, and she was as useless as usual, saying she was going to transfer me to another service, baring in mind I hadn’t seen the woman for 4months..
I’ve also had a meeting with housing to get me moved out of supported accommodation, which I’m really really nervous about, I don’t think I’m ready at all, but I can’t tell that to anyone, I’m trying to be functional.
I had a major panic yesterday, but I went to college, extremely late, and passed an assessment, with y teacher saying that he’s seen an improvement.. And today I went to work an hour early, I thought I was supposed I start at 8, but actually was only meant to be in at 9.. And didn’t leave till 6.. Yes.. Two hours late! I’m trying really hard to get through this.. I know I’m finally doing something for myself.. Something I’m meant to enjoy..
But I’m just not. I’m so incredibly unhappy. Just want to give up with everything.
Anyway, thank you for reading, and following, means a lot.
So, I had a plan.
A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling and spent some time
In hospital. I was forced to take a couple of days off at work. The following week we had a meeting and they were so supportive about everything. I mean like I’ve never had that kind of positive support. They said they would put me in pastry the next week, as they knew it would help. And it really did. I loved it there. The people were so kind and caring. I loved learning about the different recipes they made. Anyway, in the middle of that week (last week Wednesday) they called me in the office and asked me what I’d see myself doing, pastry or culinary chef, my reply was simple. Pastry. They said that an apprentice left and there was a space in the pastry course and whether I wanted to transfer. I didn’t have to think. Of course I did. I loved it there. The people, and the worked. On my days off I missed the place and the work.
It all came crashing down yesterday though. The day started off with it just being hard as I hadn’t slept as I’d been to see my friend I’m hospital all night. Then my pen broke, and then I found out that I wasn’t allowed to transfer. It was too late in the year. It feels like my whole world has been tipped upside down, again. I mean, logically I know I can do this course until the end of the year, and then transfer, but my emotions have run wild. I feel like I was a step closer to my dream. I was finally getting where I wanted to be. I spent the majority of the day in tears. Be it in corridors, toilets and even in the canteen. To top of a bad day I manage to break the ice team machine right at the end of the day. Everyone didn’t make a big fuss as it was always a bit temperamental, but it just proved, in my mind, that I was useless. It was fitting with everything else that went wrong that day. I left work in tears and spent most of my journey forcing myself to keep it together. Looking at passengers and wondering ‘is this what my life is really going to be like?’ One disappointment to the next.. I spent most of my night in tears, getting out of bed today proved to be even more challenging than ever. It’s my day off today, and tomorrow. I’m at my friend’s bedside now. I’m contemplating quitting. Quitting work and life. I just don’t know anymore.
I’m sorry it’s so upsetting. But that’s where I’m at now. Thank you for reading and following. Means a lot.