Ok, I know I’ve been rubbish at posting. I’ve been really busy with things.
I’ve been trying really hard to move on with my life. I’m meant to be moving out of my supported accommodation very soon, I’ve applied todo an apprenticeship as a chef, and college which goes with that.
So far I have a conditional offer at a college in London, and now I’m searching for a place at a kitchen. I had a trial shift at a restaurant in London today, I spent most of my time in the pastry kitchen, which I really loved.. But I don’t want to say that.. Incase I don’t get the place.
Anyway, so much to that. If I get the position at the kitchen I’ll be going to college and the kitchen. This will hopefully mean that I will learn how to be a chef, and it will give me some qualifications, which I don’t really have.
I should be moving soon also, which is good as I’m facing a lot of problems with living here.
The fact that things are moving on.. And to the speed that they are.. It’s really taking it’s tole on my health, I think. I’m struggling a lot with my mental health, especially with my eating and self harm. I feel like I can’t up with everything. I want to move on so much.. Moving from here will mean a lot less support.. And I guess that’s good because I really don’t want to be reliant on professionals, but I’m finding it as if I’m kidding myself.
My eating’s gotten. A bit bad again. I feel like I need to control something. I know it’s wrong, and I’m trying to move on. But I still hate the way I look, and it’s given me something to focus on other than all the scary big decisions. it..
I really don’t know where to go with this.. I guess this post showed how confused my head is.
Thank you for reading.
I do talk about self harm and things.. So could be triggering.. Just to warn those that are sensitive to such topics.
So, it was one my my best friends birthday yesterday, and some of her friends and I went out.
I was very unsure of going and left it to the last minute to decide, which mean I couldn’t get my shoes from my mum as she took my key away a few days.. She didn’t trust me apparently.. Anyway, this made me feel even more self conscious as I was wearing a dress with shoes that just didn’t really go, plus were a size too small so very uncomfortable.
Even though I love the people I was with, I just felt really alone. I felt like everything I was doing was to make others see that I was ok. I even had some fast food.. Which I’m feeling really disgusted at now. Anyway, we had alcohol and danced and went home. A typical night out for most I guess. Some comments were made from men about my friends scars, she used to self harm and felt comfortable enough to wear a dress with no sleeves, much braver than me. And a guy gave me his number and wanted to have an arranged marriage… Which was really uncomfortable. One of his lines was ‘your eyes sparkle more than your nose stud..’
Anyway, so much to that.. We took a night bus together and had a giggle at some of the sleeping guys. I then had to take a bus alone while the others shared a taxi. By the time I was at front desk it was 4:30 am, which made the security people ask why I was so late.. I was tiered and just wanted my bed. I then had to walk up four flights of stairs.. I know it’s not really much.. But after a night out it felt like I was climbing Mount Everest.
Today, I’m still feeling exhausted and blues have really hit. Feel like I made the evening awkward. Feeling like I am a burden to my friends, not to mention my family.
Sorry for being so negative. I hope you are all ok! Thank you for reading.
So, lots of my friends are doing stuff with their lives, be it start jobs, going to university or staring new college courses/ work experience, meanwhile I’m stuck. I apply to jobs and apprenticeships, with no reply or constant rejections. People say not to take it personally, but how can you? Everyone is moving on with their lives and you can feel left behind, at least I am.
I guess it’s part of growing up, letting people in and out of our lives. I hope you are all ok, and if you are moving on and things are hanging try and hold on. Change can be good. With change it brings the possibility of things getting better.
Thank you for reading.