Run up to Christmas

So, it’s Christmas Eve.. Almost Christmas. I’m going to be spending it with my family whom I do not particularly get on well with. I’m so scarred about eating all the foods.. All the different types of foods touching.. And the sweets.. And chocolates.. So scarred.

Hoping you all have a good Christmas.
Thinking of you all. Thank you for reading. x

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So

So, I had a plan.
A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling and spent some time
In hospital. I was forced to take a couple of days off at work. The following week we had a meeting and they were so supportive about everything. I mean like I’ve never had that kind of positive support. They said they would put me in pastry the next week, as they knew it would help. And it really did. I loved it there. The people were so kind and caring. I loved learning about the different recipes they made. Anyway, in the middle of that week (last week Wednesday) they called me in the office and asked me what I’d see myself doing, pastry or culinary chef, my reply was simple. Pastry. They said that an apprentice left and there was a space in the pastry course and whether I wanted to transfer. I didn’t have to think. Of course I did. I loved it there. The people, and the worked. On my days off I missed the place and the work.
It all came crashing down yesterday though. The day started off with it just being hard as I hadn’t slept as I’d been to see my friend I’m hospital all night. Then my pen broke, and then I found out that I wasn’t allowed to transfer. It was too late in the year. It feels like my whole world has been tipped upside down, again. I mean, logically I know I can do this course until the end of the year, and then transfer, but my emotions have run wild. I feel like I was a step closer to my dream. I was finally getting where I wanted to be. I spent the majority of the day in tears. Be it in corridors, toilets and even in the canteen. To top of a bad day I manage to break the ice team machine right at the end of the day. Everyone didn’t make a big fuss as it was always a bit temperamental, but it just proved, in my mind, that I was useless. It was fitting with everything else that went wrong that day. I left work in tears and spent most of my journey forcing myself to keep it together. Looking at passengers and wondering ‘is this what my life is really going to be like?’ One disappointment to the next.. I spent most of my night in tears, getting out of bed today proved to be even more challenging than ever. It’s my day off today, and tomorrow. I’m at my friend’s bedside now. I’m contemplating quitting. Quitting work and life. I just don’t know anymore.

I’m sorry it’s so upsetting. But that’s where I’m at now. Thank you for reading and following. Means a lot.

Another update

So much has been happening..
I started my apprenticeship! I had a wobbly and was back in hospital, but am back at my apprenticeship now. I’ve told work that I suffer with mental health problems, and try have been soo amazing and supportive! I am so lucky for that!
I’m still struggling a lot. I had a family event yesterday, and one of my uncles mentioned that I’d lost weight since last time I saw him.. And he joked about how I’m working in a kitchen and how I’ll put on weight now.. He doesn’t know.. No one of my family know about my eating, which is getting progressively worse.
I’m going to try and make an appointment to see my gp tomorrow.. *sigh* but I need more meds.

But yeah, that’s about it really. Feeling like I have no energy for anyone and I’m really feeling guilty for not seeing my friends, who are all struggling.. But I’m so busy and stressed with work and college hat I just get in and sleep. I had my first ever payday on Friday! 🙂 which was an amazing feeling! Although almost all the money has already gone to rent.. It’s still nice to know I earned it and not taken it from taxpayers.. Now I’m a taxpayer.

Anyway, thank you for reading. I’m sorry for being so rubbish at writing atm.
Take care. x