Triggering

*I will warn those triggered to be careful as it has self harm content*
As I look into the blackness of my coffee, the tears start rolling. I am hugging unto my cup with dear life.. The warmth is the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely. Why is this so hard…? When I look in the mirror I barely recognize the person staring back. Simple task seem impossible to manage today, things like showering.. It would involve me touching my ugly, fat disgusting body… I have college in less than 12 hours.. An assessment which I still have not written the order of work for. Then I have work on Tuesday.. Lots of questions will be asked.. am I ready for that..? Am I ready to be someone I’m not..? I can’t talk to my colleagues anymore, they have to work, as do I.. I must prove to everyone that I am the happy functional person that I so wish I could be.. The person that I once was.
However at the moment all those things seem so impossible. As I sit here on my bed listening to the rain and wind outside, I wonder can I really do all this..? No, no I really can’t. I’m just so pathetic. I get up and get the only things that have been keeping me alive, yet in their own way are so destructive I don’t know why I use them. My blade. To my left arm I take one. One cut swiftly follows the next and the next, nd the next,.. Until the sound of wind on my window stop me. The tears on my face have dried but new once now form on my arm. I look down on my right arm, look at my butterfly, and try read the four letters written across my wrist.. Hope.. But it’s simply not enough anymore.. When will this pain in my heart finally ease? I can’t hold on any longer…

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