Darkness Into Lightening

Hi everyone,

I know I’ve not posted in over a year.. I’m sorry. I had one of the most difficult years, in which I was in hospital more than I was out of it.. I was admitted a total of 5 times, 4 of which under a section 2, which is basically a hold for up to 28 days.. I have lots of posts to write about all this.. And I will do a proper update soon..

But this post is more about my sponsored walk..

Tomorrow I’m taking part in a walk to raise awareness for suicide and self harm. It’s a 5km walk/run, I’ll be walking, and it starts at 4am. It’s called darkness into dawn.

Anyway, just a quick hello really. I will post more again I promise.

Thank you for all those that have supported me! Stay strong everyone!

Advertisements

Not serious Car crash effects..

So much for writing more often.. I’m really sorry. 

I had a car accident about a month ago.. Nothing too serious. My car was still drivable, and the other person involved in the accident wasn’t injured either. But, after spending so many years in fear of driving.. Finally finishing lessons and passing my test, getting my car.. And then this to happen.. Well it doesn’t take a genius to figure.. It’s affected my confidence driving massively again. My car is currently at the garage getting its repairs.. Costing a lot.. when I had the accident I truily felt like it was a sign.. Like I was supposed to die.. And it’s been hard to stop myself from thinking that way still, even after over a month. 

This has, in turn caused a lot of stress having to make phone calls.. Which I hate. And just generally talking to people I don’t know.. It’s made me not want to leave my flat.

Anyway, logically I know it could have been a lot worse.. My car will be fixed hopefully soon, no one was injured. Logically I know all this.. But emotionally it’s all a different story. Like my therapist used to always say ‘you can’t logic yourself out of an emotion.’ 

Change of scenery 

Morning all,

I’ve been isolating myself again. But at the same time I’ve been looking for work.. I can’t seem to find a job though. But then, who would want to have someone like me work for them..? I don’t really have any qualifications.. Or experience in anything but cooking. 

I need a change of scenery. I wish I could move somewhere else. Go somewhere. See something new. I’m so tiered of my life. But anything like that costs money.. Money I don’t have. I’m just tiered of life. 

Reliant on services..?

So last week I had the worse session in therapy I’ve had in a very long time. I came home crying, and haven’t really been able to stop myself from self-destruction since. 

My theapist made a comment about how, because I’ve been in and out of mental health services for the past 6 years or so, I’ve become reliant on them. This made me feel like an attention seeker. Someone whose using up services when there’s people that need it more, that could benefit from it more than me. It’s made me feel selfish. But more importantly, it’s made me feel like I’ll never get better. Since Christmas time I’ve been getting worse.. My bulimia’s gotten bad again, and I’ve been self harming again.. Plus a lot of suicidal thoughts and stuff.. Well, that’s only been this past week but still. 

The therapy I’m getting at the moment is running out. I’ve got 3 more sessions left.. And then I’ll be discharged. From everyone. It’s ironic really, considering last year I decided I would really attempt on getting ‘better’. I quit college, because that’s what was adviced by the eating disorder service. I really wanted to get better. For a long time I thought if i got the right type of help, I’d be able to get myself out of this hole that I’ve dug myself into. Here in England, or at least where I am, you can only be under one service, which basically means you can only be treated for one issue. I’ve been with the eating disorder service for last few months, which means that I can’t talk to them about my self harm, BPD, or anything depression/anxiety related. I was told when I first saw them that if I did admit to re-lapsing with my self harm and stuff I’d become too high risk for them, and I’d be discharged.. This has already happened to be previously.. So I’ve not been telling them stuff.. until a few weeks ago, when my support worker saw me, and said she’d call and explain things.. Which was good in a way, because it meant at least they knew now.. But it’s led to this. This mess.

I’ve learned this week that i won’t get the help I need. Yes, maybe I am a bit ‘reliant’ on the support from people outside of my real life. Professionals who can talk me down from doing stuff to myself, help me find healthier ways on dealing with problems. But I don’t understand why, someone with a mental health probelm is made to feel like it’s they’re fault. For getting unwell, for the things they say, the things they do, and if and when they do get help, if that help doesn’t help it’s because we don’t try had enough, we like the attention.. If someone with a physical problem doesn’t react with the treat they’re receiving, they wouldn’t blame the person, they’d try and change the treatment. If they’ve got more than one issue, that sometimes interlink, they would try and treat them together. Not one problem at a time. 

Anyway, I’m rambling again. As usual really. I’m really struggling with dark thoughts. I’ll never get better. I’ll never feel happy. I’ll never be able to eat without feeling guilty, making myself sick after, or walking x amount to cancel out x amount of calories.. Just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve tried to ask for help, hell I’ve gotten help and it’s not worked. I’m struggling now, more than ever. 

Staying off social media..?

Hi, I’m sorry for the lack of posts.. Things have been difficult. My depression has taken a bit of a downward spiral, but I’m trying to work through it. 

My post today is about social media.. While there’s a lot of uncertainty happening in the world, some of my family have been trying to advise me on not spending too much time on social media. My anxiety has been on an all time high, feeling like there will be a war soon and all sorts.. I’ve had a lot of irrational thoughts.. Anxiety. People say taking a break from social media will help.. Give you a little time to yourself and space to reevaluate things. If that works for you, I really encourage it.. As long as you’re not isolating yourself. 

For me, if I’m not on social media, normally it means I am doing just that though.. Which is what I’ve been doing a lot recently to be honest. Sure, the media can make things worse at times, and can blow a lot of things out of proportion, but, for the most part, I tend to use it more to connect with people. Speak to my friends, see what they are doing, make sure they’re okay, and yes, once in a while check the news to make sure I know what’s happening out there. I can’t simply stop doing that to avoid stresses. Stopping going on social media for me means cutting myself off from my friends, and eventually (and by that I mean in about a day) feeling even more isolated.. Which, for me is already a problem. 

Anyway, to prevent this rambling going on much longer, my point is, partly I agree, sometimes taking a break can be a good thing, but I don’t think it will help me. 

Thank you for reading, stay strong. 

Re-starting this..? 

Hi all, I am thinking of re-starting, whatever this is.. I guess an insight to my life.. I am still unsure, and am currently reading some of my old posts to see where/how to go about it all. I am working on it. Please bear with me. I have lots to say and this seems a good place as any to start. 

A bit of an update… But mostly me rambling.. Again. 

Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard. 
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this.. 
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself. 

Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.

It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns. 

It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess. 
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x