Not serious Car crash effects..

So much for writing more often.. I’m really sorry. 

I had a car accident about a month ago.. Nothing too serious. My car was still drivable, and the other person involved in the accident wasn’t injured either. But, after spending so many years in fear of driving.. Finally finishing lessons and passing my test, getting my car.. And then this to happen.. Well it doesn’t take a genius to figure.. It’s affected my confidence driving massively again. My car is currently at the garage getting its repairs.. Costing a lot.. when I had the accident I truily felt like it was a sign.. Like I was supposed to die.. And it’s been hard to stop myself from thinking that way still, even after over a month. 

This has, in turn caused a lot of stress having to make phone calls.. Which I hate. And just generally talking to people I don’t know.. It’s made me not want to leave my flat.

Anyway, logically I know it could have been a lot worse.. My car will be fixed hopefully soon, no one was injured. Logically I know all this.. But emotionally it’s all a different story. Like my therapist used to always say ‘you can’t logic yourself out of an emotion.’ 

Change of scenery 

Morning all,

I’ve been isolating myself again. But at the same time I’ve been looking for work.. I can’t seem to find a job though. But then, who would want to have someone like me work for them..? I don’t really have any qualifications.. Or experience in anything but cooking. 

I need a change of scenery. I wish I could move somewhere else. Go somewhere. See something new. I’m so tiered of my life. But anything like that costs money.. Money I don’t have. I’m just tiered of life. 

Reliant on services..?

So last week I had the worse session in therapy I’ve had in a very long time. I came home crying, and haven’t really been able to stop myself from self-destruction since. 

My theapist made a comment about how, because I’ve been in and out of mental health services for the past 6 years or so, I’ve become reliant on them. This made me feel like an attention seeker. Someone whose using up services when there’s people that need it more, that could benefit from it more than me. It’s made me feel selfish. But more importantly, it’s made me feel like I’ll never get better. Since Christmas time I’ve been getting worse.. My bulimia’s gotten bad again, and I’ve been self harming again.. Plus a lot of suicidal thoughts and stuff.. Well, that’s only been this past week but still. 

The therapy I’m getting at the moment is running out. I’ve got 3 more sessions left.. And then I’ll be discharged. From everyone. It’s ironic really, considering last year I decided I would really attempt on getting ‘better’. I quit college, because that’s what was adviced by the eating disorder service. I really wanted to get better. For a long time I thought if i got the right type of help, I’d be able to get myself out of this hole that I’ve dug myself into. Here in England, or at least where I am, you can only be under one service, which basically means you can only be treated for one issue. I’ve been with the eating disorder service for last few months, which means that I can’t talk to them about my self harm, BPD, or anything depression/anxiety related. I was told when I first saw them that if I did admit to re-lapsing with my self harm and stuff I’d become too high risk for them, and I’d be discharged.. This has already happened to be previously.. So I’ve not been telling them stuff.. until a few weeks ago, when my support worker saw me, and said she’d call and explain things.. Which was good in a way, because it meant at least they knew now.. But it’s led to this. This mess.

I’ve learned this week that i won’t get the help I need. Yes, maybe I am a bit ‘reliant’ on the support from people outside of my real life. Professionals who can talk me down from doing stuff to myself, help me find healthier ways on dealing with problems. But I don’t understand why, someone with a mental health probelm is made to feel like it’s they’re fault. For getting unwell, for the things they say, the things they do, and if and when they do get help, if that help doesn’t help it’s because we don’t try had enough, we like the attention.. If someone with a physical problem doesn’t react with the treat they’re receiving, they wouldn’t blame the person, they’d try and change the treatment. If they’ve got more than one issue, that sometimes interlink, they would try and treat them together. Not one problem at a time. 

Anyway, I’m rambling again. As usual really. I’m really struggling with dark thoughts. I’ll never get better. I’ll never feel happy. I’ll never be able to eat without feeling guilty, making myself sick after, or walking x amount to cancel out x amount of calories.. Just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve tried to ask for help, hell I’ve gotten help and it’s not worked. I’m struggling now, more than ever. 

Staying off social media..?

Hi, I’m sorry for the lack of posts.. Things have been difficult. My depression has taken a bit of a downward spiral, but I’m trying to work through it. 

My post today is about social media.. While there’s a lot of uncertainty happening in the world, some of my family have been trying to advise me on not spending too much time on social media. My anxiety has been on an all time high, feeling like there will be a war soon and all sorts.. I’ve had a lot of irrational thoughts.. Anxiety. People say taking a break from social media will help.. Give you a little time to yourself and space to reevaluate things. If that works for you, I really encourage it.. As long as you’re not isolating yourself. 

For me, if I’m not on social media, normally it means I am doing just that though.. Which is what I’ve been doing a lot recently to be honest. Sure, the media can make things worse at times, and can blow a lot of things out of proportion, but, for the most part, I tend to use it more to connect with people. Speak to my friends, see what they are doing, make sure they’re okay, and yes, once in a while check the news to make sure I know what’s happening out there. I can’t simply stop doing that to avoid stresses. Stopping going on social media for me means cutting myself off from my friends, and eventually (and by that I mean in about a day) feeling even more isolated.. Which, for me is already a problem. 

Anyway, to prevent this rambling going on much longer, my point is, partly I agree, sometimes taking a break can be a good thing, but I don’t think it will help me. 

Thank you for reading, stay strong. 

Re-starting this..? 

Hi all, I am thinking of re-starting, whatever this is.. I guess an insight to my life.. I am still unsure, and am currently reading some of my old posts to see where/how to go about it all. I am working on it. Please bear with me. I have lots to say and this seems a good place as any to start. 

A bit of an update… But mostly me rambling.. Again. 

Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard. 
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this.. 
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself. 

Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.

It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns. 

It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess. 
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x

Update, rambly post

Ok.. I need to vent somewhere.. And this seems to be the best safest place todo that.. I’ll warn you that it is very long.. And could be triggering..

So.. I guess I ought to do a bit of an update….
In December I was transferred back to the personality disorder service.. After being with the eating disorder people for almost 7months on the waiting list.. No individual therapy for that as was still number 9 on the waiting list.. Because of my self harm and suicidal thoughts they referred me back to the personality disorder service.. The personality disorder service said I wasn’t allowed to be with both services.. So the ED service said after therapy with the PD service I’d be referred back to them.

Anyway, to cut an extremely long story short.. About 3 weeks ago my friend took me to a&e after I stopped talking/checking my phone and was self harming.. Suicidal.. Blah.. I was referred back to the personality disorder service.

I week later, last week, I had my first meeting with.. My old therapist I had two years ago. I have very mixed feelings about having her again..

An argument within my family last weekend caused me to be very emotional the whole week, and I stopped eating completely, and self harming regularly.

Ok, that’s the history.. Kind of. I should also mention that after months of not trusting my new support worker.. I let her into my mad world the past few weeks.. She’s lovely and I get on with her well.. She’s been through a lot and I think because of that, and her general empathy it works.. I don’t have to explain things much because she understands.

Ok, so yesterday I was extremely nervous because I had to change doctor surgery’s. And I had a nurses appointment the next day.. So yesterday I spent most of it with my support worker and she even took me to the allotment she manages. Anyway, in the evening I was stressing about this nurses appointment and I didn’t sleep much.. I self harmed and stuff.. So I had to change my bedding.. Anyway, my support worker, knowing I was nervous came with me and waited in the waiting room while I had my appointment. I’m pretty sure I would have not gone otherwise. The nurse weighed me.. Which I hated because.. Well eating disorder is bad atm.. Not really eaten since Sunday.. Anyway long story short she saw I’d been self harming and cleaned it all for me..

Then two hours later I had my appointment with my therapist.. I like her because she gets that I can’t show my emotions mainly because I was taught not to by some teachers and other people in my life.. And everything I say I need to do carefully.. Which is why it takes me a while to say things… But apart from that it’s difficult.

I told her about the argument and she said that it sounded the same as two years ago.. Which in a way is true.. Some parts have happened before.. But just because it’s happened doesn’t make it any less painful.
She basically said that she won’t talk to my support worker (I gave her the therapists number because she wanted to talk to her.. I think she was worried and just wanted to let her know that..) That the number I gave her is only for me. That apparently I’m getting too attached to services. That cognitively I know what to say to make people worried..

I didn’t think I did. Not purposefully. Anyway, it’s made me question a lot about myself. Am I getting too attached.. Should I stop talking to people. I don’t want to be alone in this.. But being seen as an attention seeker is so much worse.

I told her about not eating.. She said people can survive over 3 months without eating.. That ‘it’s not like I’m 4 stone..’ I know she didn’t mean for it to come accords like it has done in my mind.. But now I’m feeling worse.. My brain is in a state.
It’s made me feel like I’m even fatter than I feel anyway.. That if I was 4 stone or something she might actually listen.. Like she doesn’t get that I have an eating disorder aswell..

We spoke about my family, and the guilt I had.. We talked about how I’ve tried a lot to make amends.. But that ultimately I can’t. And she kept asking me what’s next.. She was implying I moved back to Germany to live with my dad.. But I can’t do that.. Or stop trying to make amends..

See in my mind it makes me feel like.. ‘Well I might as well be better off dead..’ When she said what was next all I could think was to take myself from the situation..

I self harmed a lot after that session.. I even bought tablets to take.. But I knew, from experience, that after a few hours of taking them I’ll start and be sick.. But I haven’t had anything to be sick on.. As I haven’t eaten properly since Sunday.. So I know I should eat for that to work.. But I’m scarred that if I start eating I won’t stop.. So the fear of eating stopped me from taking an overdose.. How messed up is that..? My brain is still going at 100miles an hour.. I know that my support worker will have her phone on all weekend.. And she’s told me more than once to call her if I need to.. But I know I won’t.. Especially after what my therapist said.. I don’t want to be too attached.. I don’t want to be needy or attention seeking..

I don’t really know what todo. I want to quit therapy and get more help for my eating.. I know I need a lot more help.. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be home.. Not in this state of minds.. But how could I ever say that to anyone..? My brain is in constant arguments and it’s taking over.

Well done if you’ve read all of this.. Thank you. Stay strong everyone. xxx