Staying off social media..?

Hi, I’m sorry for the lack of posts.. Things have been difficult. My depression has taken a bit of a downward spiral, but I’m trying to work through it. 

My post today is about social media.. While there’s a lot of uncertainty happening in the world, some of my family have been trying to advise me on not spending too much time on social media. My anxiety has been on an all time high, feeling like there will be a war soon and all sorts.. I’ve had a lot of irrational thoughts.. Anxiety. People say taking a break from social media will help.. Give you a little time to yourself and space to reevaluate things. If that works for you, I really encourage it.. As long as you’re not isolating yourself. 

For me, if I’m not on social media, normally it means I am doing just that though.. Which is what I’ve been doing a lot recently to be honest. Sure, the media can make things worse at times, and can blow a lot of things out of proportion, but, for the most part, I tend to use it more to connect with people. Speak to my friends, see what they are doing, make sure they’re okay, and yes, once in a while check the news to make sure I know what’s happening out there. I can’t simply stop doing that to avoid stresses. Stopping going on social media for me means cutting myself off from my friends, and eventually (and by that I mean in about a day) feeling even more isolated.. Which, for me is already a problem. 

Anyway, to prevent this rambling going on much longer, my point is, partly I agree, sometimes taking a break can be a good thing, but I don’t think it will help me. 

Thank you for reading, stay strong. 

Night out and things

I do talk about self harm and things.. So could be triggering.. Just to warn those that are sensitive to such topics.

So, it was one my my best friends birthday yesterday, and some of her friends and I went out.
I was very unsure of going and left it to the last minute to decide, which mean I couldn’t get my shoes from my mum as she took my key away a few days.. She didn’t trust me apparently.. Anyway, this made me feel even more self conscious as I was wearing a dress with shoes that just didn’t really go, plus were a size too small so very uncomfortable.
Even though I love the people I was with, I just felt really alone. I felt like everything I was doing was to make others see that I was ok. I even had some fast food.. Which I’m feeling really disgusted at now. Anyway, we had alcohol and danced and went home. A typical night out for most I guess. Some comments were made from men about my friends scars, she used to self harm and felt comfortable enough to wear a dress with no sleeves, much braver than me. And a guy gave me his number and wanted to have an arranged marriage… Which was really uncomfortable. One of his lines was ‘your eyes sparkle more than your nose stud..’

Anyway, so much to that.. We took a night bus together and had a giggle at some of the sleeping guys. I then had to take a bus alone while the others shared a taxi. By the time I was at front desk it was 4:30 am, which made the security people ask why I was so late.. I was tiered and just wanted my bed. I then had to walk up four flights of stairs.. I know it’s not really much.. But after a night out it felt like I was climbing Mount Everest.

Today, I’m still feeling exhausted and blues have really hit. Feel like I made the evening awkward. Feeling like I am a burden to my friends, not to mention my family.
Sorry for being so negative. I hope you are all ok! Thank you for reading.

Things

So, I’m sorry about my lack of posting. I’ve been trying very hard to think of a good post.. But haven’t really come up with one. I think I’m just going to ramble a little, so please bear with me and be a bit patient.

I’ve been really struggling. My support worker found out about my eating.. And confronted me about it. I told him. He told my care coordinator.. I had a meeting last week with her and a psychiatrist doctor… They said I have an eating dissorder. I didn’t realize how bad I was. I’m still struggling with it. I’ve got a couple of close friends with eating disorders, and it wouldn’t say I was that bad.. No where near as bad actually. But the professionals wouldn’t listen.

I have a couple of friend who have been really unwell and am really worried about them. Well, there’s lots of friends that I’m worried about to be truthful. They all mean so much to me and I would do almost anything I can to help them.

My support network has had a bit of a glitch, as so many of my fiends are struggling.. I haven’t wanted to let them know what’s really going on. Hardly anyone knows. Even professionals don’t really know.

I know people say not to get too involved with others that are struggling when you yourself are, and it’s the advice I would give to anyone in my position. But, as always, I can’t take my own advice. I feel so strongly that I need to help my friends, I’ve had two friends, one close and one that I only really knew, that took their lives two years ago.. And I feel very responsible. I feel I need to help my friends more than ‘normal’ as I am always scarred to lose them.
I know it’s draining me.. It’s making me worse.. But I need to help them. People, I’m sure don’t understand.

I think that’s about it really. I’m sorry for the ramble. I hope you are all ok.
Thank you for reading. 🙂 x