Re-starting this..? 

Hi all, I am thinking of re-starting, whatever this is.. I guess an insight to my life.. I am still unsure, and am currently reading some of my old posts to see where/how to go about it all. I am working on it. Please bear with me. I have lots to say and this seems a good place as any to start. 


A bit of an update… But mostly me rambling.. Again. 

Hello lovely people,
I’m sorry I have not written a blog post in ages.. Things have been too difficult and real. One of my closest friends took her life 4 months ago, and I have not been coping well since. It wasn’t the first friend I’ve lost.. And it just really hit me hard. 
I have started a new pastry course, which I guess is good, but that’s all really. Therapy has, near enough stopped since.. I see someone once every 5 weeks.. The week before starting college I was having therapy three times a week.. And as soon as I started it has reduced to this.. 
Yes, for the most part, if you were to see me/talk to me.. I would be ‘fine’ and probably appear no different to how I am when everything is going well.. But that’s not the case.. The truth is that I don’t leave my bed unless I have some sort of commitment.. This has meant cancelling/saying no to friends and family, and just generally isolating myself. 

Sure, I am still a student and do, mostly, go to college.. But as it is only 2 days a week, I don’t think it counts for much.. I am often grumpy and tearful in lessons, and often feel like I’m failing at everything.

It upsets me when people assume that because I am now at college, everything will be better.. That me having something to ‘get out of bed for’ is good.. In part that is true.. But realistically.. Honestly.. It just triggers my behaviours and my negative thinking patterns. 

It also bugs me when people say.. ‘It gets better/it can only get better..’ Like are you the future..? Do you have some sort of super power I am unaware of.. No..! Things can get worse.. From what I’ve learned is that often, they do.. I feel like I am constantly on guard for the next disaster or heart ache.. Constantly treading water.. Surviving sure, but only that.. Not really living. I don’t really know where to end this ramble.. Things are just going from bad to worse.. And I don’t know how to cope anymore I guess. 
Anyway, that’s all from me, for now. Thank you for reading and all you’re support. 🙂 x

Sometimes this sytem just doesn’t work. 

So, the week after the therapy session where I felt like I wanted to quit, last week Friday, I had therapy again.. And that time it was much much better. She understood more how much I haven’t been coping.. But now she’s off for 3 weeks. Great. 

So then I had my appointment with my GP on Thursday just gone at 11:40.. But was half hour late.. I understand that, but it just makes me panic more.  Baring in mind my support worker had written a letter to my GP saying she was ‘fearful of my life’ or something.. Anyway, I’d been self harming the evening before, and even a couple hours before. So my GP dressed it.. And sent me to a&e with a letter… She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want me going home feeling the way I was. She even spoke about me to other doctors in the surgery, how embarrassing. A&E did nothing as usual.. I now have no medication for tonight.. How can they repeatedly ignore me like this..? And the other services..? My therapist is on leave for 3 weeks.. The only ‘useful’ thing they suggested is that they would contact the service and see if someone would contact me to ‘check in’.. So fed up. I can’t cope with all these feelings.. 

I’m at a stage where I don’t know what todo with myself anymore. Like I feel like I’ve tried to ask for help.. Others have tried for me.. But somehow people don’t take me seriously. I hate the system. 

Stay strong all. 

Update, rambly post

Ok.. I need to vent somewhere.. And this seems to be the best safest place todo that.. I’ll warn you that it is very long.. And could be triggering..

So.. I guess I ought to do a bit of an update….
In December I was transferred back to the personality disorder service.. After being with the eating disorder people for almost 7months on the waiting list.. No individual therapy for that as was still number 9 on the waiting list.. Because of my self harm and suicidal thoughts they referred me back to the personality disorder service.. The personality disorder service said I wasn’t allowed to be with both services.. So the ED service said after therapy with the PD service I’d be referred back to them.

Anyway, to cut an extremely long story short.. About 3 weeks ago my friend took me to a&e after I stopped talking/checking my phone and was self harming.. Suicidal.. Blah.. I was referred back to the personality disorder service.

I week later, last week, I had my first meeting with.. My old therapist I had two years ago. I have very mixed feelings about having her again..

An argument within my family last weekend caused me to be very emotional the whole week, and I stopped eating completely, and self harming regularly.

Ok, that’s the history.. Kind of. I should also mention that after months of not trusting my new support worker.. I let her into my mad world the past few weeks.. She’s lovely and I get on with her well.. She’s been through a lot and I think because of that, and her general empathy it works.. I don’t have to explain things much because she understands.

Ok, so yesterday I was extremely nervous because I had to change doctor surgery’s. And I had a nurses appointment the next day.. So yesterday I spent most of it with my support worker and she even took me to the allotment she manages. Anyway, in the evening I was stressing about this nurses appointment and I didn’t sleep much.. I self harmed and stuff.. So I had to change my bedding.. Anyway, my support worker, knowing I was nervous came with me and waited in the waiting room while I had my appointment. I’m pretty sure I would have not gone otherwise. The nurse weighed me.. Which I hated because.. Well eating disorder is bad atm.. Not really eaten since Sunday.. Anyway long story short she saw I’d been self harming and cleaned it all for me..

Then two hours later I had my appointment with my therapist.. I like her because she gets that I can’t show my emotions mainly because I was taught not to by some teachers and other people in my life.. And everything I say I need to do carefully.. Which is why it takes me a while to say things… But apart from that it’s difficult.

I told her about the argument and she said that it sounded the same as two years ago.. Which in a way is true.. Some parts have happened before.. But just because it’s happened doesn’t make it any less painful.
She basically said that she won’t talk to my support worker (I gave her the therapists number because she wanted to talk to her.. I think she was worried and just wanted to let her know that..) That the number I gave her is only for me. That apparently I’m getting too attached to services. That cognitively I know what to say to make people worried..

I didn’t think I did. Not purposefully. Anyway, it’s made me question a lot about myself. Am I getting too attached.. Should I stop talking to people. I don’t want to be alone in this.. But being seen as an attention seeker is so much worse.

I told her about not eating.. She said people can survive over 3 months without eating.. That ‘it’s not like I’m 4 stone..’ I know she didn’t mean for it to come accords like it has done in my mind.. But now I’m feeling worse.. My brain is in a state.
It’s made me feel like I’m even fatter than I feel anyway.. That if I was 4 stone or something she might actually listen.. Like she doesn’t get that I have an eating disorder aswell..

We spoke about my family, and the guilt I had.. We talked about how I’ve tried a lot to make amends.. But that ultimately I can’t. And she kept asking me what’s next.. She was implying I moved back to Germany to live with my dad.. But I can’t do that.. Or stop trying to make amends..

See in my mind it makes me feel like.. ‘Well I might as well be better off dead..’ When she said what was next all I could think was to take myself from the situation..

I self harmed a lot after that session.. I even bought tablets to take.. But I knew, from experience, that after a few hours of taking them I’ll start and be sick.. But I haven’t had anything to be sick on.. As I haven’t eaten properly since Sunday.. So I know I should eat for that to work.. But I’m scarred that if I start eating I won’t stop.. So the fear of eating stopped me from taking an overdose.. How messed up is that..? My brain is still going at 100miles an hour.. I know that my support worker will have her phone on all weekend.. And she’s told me more than once to call her if I need to.. But I know I won’t.. Especially after what my therapist said.. I don’t want to be too attached.. I don’t want to be needy or attention seeking..

I don’t really know what todo. I want to quit therapy and get more help for my eating.. I know I need a lot more help.. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be home.. Not in this state of minds.. But how could I ever say that to anyone..? My brain is in constant arguments and it’s taking over.

Well done if you’ve read all of this.. Thank you. Stay strong everyone. xxx

In a thinky mood.

Hi all, I’m sorry for being so MIA these past few months. Things are still a challenge to say the least.

I watched one of my all time favourite films today, and it got me thinking.. Never good, I know. It was a film about a woman who decides to cook her way through a French cook book in a year.
I’m still so unsure of what I want to do with my life, or at least I know what I want, I just don’t have a way of getting there. I know with all my heart now that I want to become a pastry chef.. But I have no real qualifications, and no experience. I worked for 6 months in a kitchen, which lead me to have another mental health breakdown, and flared up my eating disorder. I still want to do this though, but I have no chance. I think the thing holding me back is fear. Fear that I will not succeed, fear of letting people down and most importantly fear of loosing hope. If I apply for a job, I have no real references, I mean I’ve had to take so much time out of work and education due to my mental health its a bit of a joke really. Plus I don’t really know much about being a pastry chef other than that’s what I want to become. Times are tough with jobs, especially here in London, and I mean honestly, who would even want to higher someone like me..? I’m unreliable.

But how I wish I could do this. How I wish someone out there would give me a chance. I’m 21 years old, with no real future or career prospected, is it any wonder I find life so challenging. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, I guess I needed somewhere to ramble. Thank you all for reading. Stay strong.

Things ending

Hi again,

So, this week has taken everything out of me. The fog inside my head is unbearable.
Last week Wednesday I had my last eating disorder group.. This made me feel even worse. Even though I will still be getting support for my eating.. And I’m still on a waiting list for individual therapy for it, everyone at the group was saying how much they had benefitted and are getting better.. And there was me, just as confused as the beginning.
Then Monday I had my last day at college. All my friends are really happy that I’ve completed this course.. The first I’ve completed in over 5 years.. Even my work said how proud they are of me.. But I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I didn’t do this apprenticeship the way I was supposed to, the way I planned.. How can I be proud of not working for over 6 months..?!

Anyway, this has, yet again pushed me back down.. I’ve been ignoring home treatment.. Well they were cutting my visits down to twice weekly anyway.. But I’ve not spoken to anyone from them since Sunday.. My own fault. I know it’s selfish.. But I don’t want to face everyone. I’m too ashamed of myself.. Too embarrassed. I’m scarred that they’re going to think that I’m doing better and discharge me.. So I’m even more alone then already am. I need more help at the moment.. Not less.

Anyway, that’s all for today. Thank you for reading.

Stay strong. ❤️

A little update and moan.

Hi all,

I’m really sorry for the lack of posts.. I’ve been really really struggling recently.. Just a pre warner this could be triggering..

My biggest news I guess is that I’ve moved.. Although it’s been almost 2 months now.
I’ve not been back at work.. But I’m still completing my course, thankfully my college, as well as work have been really supportive.

Anyway, to the nitty gritty stuff. This is mainly for my mental health blog.. So if you don’t want to read/ know about all of this then don’t read.. I won’t be offended.
Just over 3 weeks ago now I had group for my eating, I have it every Wednesday, and I wanted to tell them there how desperate things had gotten.. But I couldn’t. I left there very confused about my life and everything.
Anyway, I’d had enough and just wanted to end it really. I went to the train station and just wanted it all over.. By some miracle my friend called me about something completely unrelated and heard something wasn’t right.. And called the police.. Anyway long story short I was sectioned under 136 of the mental health act, and spent the night in the psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in the morning and have been with the home treatment team. 

This week I’ve also had a monitoring session with the woman I see at the eating disorder place. She did my blood pressure lots as it was high.. She gave me a big lecture about my electrolytes and how my habits are effecting my heart. She also weighed me.. Which is always my worst part.. And I’d lost weight.. Not that I was that surprised by that. Anyway, she told me that she was referring me back to an old service which I didn’t find very helpful last time. We’ve been discussing it for a couple of months.. But she said they’d all had a big meeting and said it was no longer negotiable.. She said I need more intense help.. Which is true, but I know this won’t help. I felt very upset about it as I felt like my opinions aren’t listened to anymore. Anyway, she said she would keep me updated with it. She also said I needed to have another blood test because she was worried about my heart and things..
Then on Friday I had a meeting with a social worker to help me with my money and rent arrears and stuff.. But at the end I still had to go to the housing office on my own.. Which I hate!! I’m so bad at all this formal documents.. Filling out forms and sounding professional stuff. I also had my blood test on Friday.. Which was super embarrassing as I had to have my arms out for them to see.. And my arms are a real state self harm wise.
Yesterday/Saturday I had home treatment team back and the basically told me that I was being referred back to a different service which will give me a care coordinator. I was with them about 7 months ago.. Basically I had a bad experience with them where my care co left for 4 months and on her return referred me to other services leaving me feeling lost and alone.

This has all made me feel very unsure about the help that I’m about to receive. From past experiences on both services which I’m being referred to.
Thoughts have, since finding all this out, become very bad again..

On another note, I would not be here if t weren’t for some of my amazing friends, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at this blog.

Sending all my love and strength.
❤️ xxxx