So last week I had the worse session in therapy I’ve had in a very long time. I came home crying, and haven’t really been able to stop myself from self-destruction since.
My theapist made a comment about how, because I’ve been in and out of mental health services for the past 6 years or so, I’ve become reliant on them. This made me feel like an attention seeker. Someone whose using up services when there’s people that need it more, that could benefit from it more than me. It’s made me feel selfish. But more importantly, it’s made me feel like I’ll never get better. Since Christmas time I’ve been getting worse.. My bulimia’s gotten bad again, and I’ve been self harming again.. Plus a lot of suicidal thoughts and stuff.. Well, that’s only been this past week but still.
The therapy I’m getting at the moment is running out. I’ve got 3 more sessions left.. And then I’ll be discharged. From everyone. It’s ironic really, considering last year I decided I would really attempt on getting ‘better’. I quit college, because that’s what was adviced by the eating disorder service. I really wanted to get better. For a long time I thought if i got the right type of help, I’d be able to get myself out of this hole that I’ve dug myself into. Here in England, or at least where I am, you can only be under one service, which basically means you can only be treated for one issue. I’ve been with the eating disorder service for last few months, which means that I can’t talk to them about my self harm, BPD, or anything depression/anxiety related. I was told when I first saw them that if I did admit to re-lapsing with my self harm and stuff I’d become too high risk for them, and I’d be discharged.. This has already happened to be previously.. So I’ve not been telling them stuff.. until a few weeks ago, when my support worker saw me, and said she’d call and explain things.. Which was good in a way, because it meant at least they knew now.. But it’s led to this. This mess.
I’ve learned this week that i won’t get the help I need. Yes, maybe I am a bit ‘reliant’ on the support from people outside of my real life. Professionals who can talk me down from doing stuff to myself, help me find healthier ways on dealing with problems. But I don’t understand why, someone with a mental health probelm is made to feel like it’s they’re fault. For getting unwell, for the things they say, the things they do, and if and when they do get help, if that help doesn’t help it’s because we don’t try had enough, we like the attention.. If someone with a physical problem doesn’t react with the treat they’re receiving, they wouldn’t blame the person, they’d try and change the treatment. If they’ve got more than one issue, that sometimes interlink, they would try and treat them together. Not one problem at a time.
Anyway, I’m rambling again. As usual really. I’m really struggling with dark thoughts. I’ll never get better. I’ll never feel happy. I’ll never be able to eat without feeling guilty, making myself sick after, or walking x amount to cancel out x amount of calories.. Just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve tried to ask for help, hell I’ve gotten help and it’s not worked. I’m struggling now, more than ever.