Update, rambly post

Ok.. I need to vent somewhere.. And this seems to be the best safest place todo that.. I’ll warn you that it is very long.. And could be triggering..

So.. I guess I ought to do a bit of an update….
In December I was transferred back to the personality disorder service.. After being with the eating disorder people for almost 7months on the waiting list.. No individual therapy for that as was still number 9 on the waiting list.. Because of my self harm and suicidal thoughts they referred me back to the personality disorder service.. The personality disorder service said I wasn’t allowed to be with both services.. So the ED service said after therapy with the PD service I’d be referred back to them.

Anyway, to cut an extremely long story short.. About 3 weeks ago my friend took me to a&e after I stopped talking/checking my phone and was self harming.. Suicidal.. Blah.. I was referred back to the personality disorder service.

I week later, last week, I had my first meeting with.. My old therapist I had two years ago. I have very mixed feelings about having her again..

An argument within my family last weekend caused me to be very emotional the whole week, and I stopped eating completely, and self harming regularly.

Ok, that’s the history.. Kind of. I should also mention that after months of not trusting my new support worker.. I let her into my mad world the past few weeks.. She’s lovely and I get on with her well.. She’s been through a lot and I think because of that, and her general empathy it works.. I don’t have to explain things much because she understands.

Ok, so yesterday I was extremely nervous because I had to change doctor surgery’s. And I had a nurses appointment the next day.. So yesterday I spent most of it with my support worker and she even took me to the allotment she manages. Anyway, in the evening I was stressing about this nurses appointment and I didn’t sleep much.. I self harmed and stuff.. So I had to change my bedding.. Anyway, my support worker, knowing I was nervous came with me and waited in the waiting room while I had my appointment. I’m pretty sure I would have not gone otherwise. The nurse weighed me.. Which I hated because.. Well eating disorder is bad atm.. Not really eaten since Sunday.. Anyway long story short she saw I’d been self harming and cleaned it all for me..

Then two hours later I had my appointment with my therapist.. I like her because she gets that I can’t show my emotions mainly because I was taught not to by some teachers and other people in my life.. And everything I say I need to do carefully.. Which is why it takes me a while to say things… But apart from that it’s difficult.

I told her about the argument and she said that it sounded the same as two years ago.. Which in a way is true.. Some parts have happened before.. But just because it’s happened doesn’t make it any less painful.
She basically said that she won’t talk to my support worker (I gave her the therapists number because she wanted to talk to her.. I think she was worried and just wanted to let her know that..) That the number I gave her is only for me. That apparently I’m getting too attached to services. That cognitively I know what to say to make people worried..

I didn’t think I did. Not purposefully. Anyway, it’s made me question a lot about myself. Am I getting too attached.. Should I stop talking to people. I don’t want to be alone in this.. But being seen as an attention seeker is so much worse.

I told her about not eating.. She said people can survive over 3 months without eating.. That ‘it’s not like I’m 4 stone..’ I know she didn’t mean for it to come accords like it has done in my mind.. But now I’m feeling worse.. My brain is in a state.
It’s made me feel like I’m even fatter than I feel anyway.. That if I was 4 stone or something she might actually listen.. Like she doesn’t get that I have an eating disorder aswell..

We spoke about my family, and the guilt I had.. We talked about how I’ve tried a lot to make amends.. But that ultimately I can’t. And she kept asking me what’s next.. She was implying I moved back to Germany to live with my dad.. But I can’t do that.. Or stop trying to make amends..

See in my mind it makes me feel like.. ‘Well I might as well be better off dead..’ When she said what was next all I could think was to take myself from the situation..

I self harmed a lot after that session.. I even bought tablets to take.. But I knew, from experience, that after a few hours of taking them I’ll start and be sick.. But I haven’t had anything to be sick on.. As I haven’t eaten properly since Sunday.. So I know I should eat for that to work.. But I’m scarred that if I start eating I won’t stop.. So the fear of eating stopped me from taking an overdose.. How messed up is that..? My brain is still going at 100miles an hour.. I know that my support worker will have her phone on all weekend.. And she’s told me more than once to call her if I need to.. But I know I won’t.. Especially after what my therapist said.. I don’t want to be too attached.. I don’t want to be needy or attention seeking..

I don’t really know what todo. I want to quit therapy and get more help for my eating.. I know I need a lot more help.. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be home.. Not in this state of minds.. But how could I ever say that to anyone..? My brain is in constant arguments and it’s taking over.

Well done if you’ve read all of this.. Thank you. Stay strong everyone. xxx

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