I do talk about self harm and things.. So could be triggering.. Just to warn those that are sensitive to such topics.
So, it was one my my best friends birthday yesterday, and some of her friends and I went out.
I was very unsure of going and left it to the last minute to decide, which mean I couldn’t get my shoes from my mum as she took my key away a few days.. She didn’t trust me apparently.. Anyway, this made me feel even more self conscious as I was wearing a dress with shoes that just didn’t really go, plus were a size too small so very uncomfortable.
Even though I love the people I was with, I just felt really alone. I felt like everything I was doing was to make others see that I was ok. I even had some fast food.. Which I’m feeling really disgusted at now. Anyway, we had alcohol and danced and went home. A typical night out for most I guess. Some comments were made from men about my friends scars, she used to self harm and felt comfortable enough to wear a dress with no sleeves, much braver than me. And a guy gave me his number and wanted to have an arranged marriage… Which was really uncomfortable. One of his lines was ‘your eyes sparkle more than your nose stud..’
Anyway, so much to that.. We took a night bus together and had a giggle at some of the sleeping guys. I then had to take a bus alone while the others shared a taxi. By the time I was at front desk it was 4:30 am, which made the security people ask why I was so late.. I was tiered and just wanted my bed. I then had to walk up four flights of stairs.. I know it’s not really much.. But after a night out it felt like I was climbing Mount Everest.
Today, I’m still feeling exhausted and blues have really hit. Feel like I made the evening awkward. Feeling like I am a burden to my friends, not to mention my family.
Sorry for being so negative. I hope you are all ok! Thank you for reading.