I do apologise for the lack of posting, have had a very hectic few days, and have just not been coping and have just not felt like posting.
So, after having the lunch with my mother things started to get even worse for me, and my ‘bad behaviours’ took over. Not getting out of bed. Not showering.. Not eating.. Just isolating myself from everything and everyone really. There’s only one person who’s really been there and I would be lost without her. I’ve had my nose pierced which was a big deal for me as have a phobia of needles and have wanted it done for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I seem to convincing the professions that I’m doing better.. Whatever that means.. Even though I truly believe I’m getting worse and worse. I saw my support worker last week who said I’d lost weight.. But I don’t think that’s really true. He’s the only one that asks about food.. Other than one of my friends..
Anyway, on Sunday I flew to Germany to stay at my dad’s. I love seeing him, but it just brings back so many bad memories. I lived here for over 10 years. And again for 3 months four years ago now. That’s when things started to go wrong, and was abused by men.. And every time I come back here all I can remember are those times. Flashbacks getting worse and worse while I’m out here. Only another 7 days.. I can do that.. I hope. Alcohol every night. Stops me from thinking.
Anyway, so I had my 20th birthday yesterday, which was so bad. I hate birthdays at the best of times.. But being away from my friends who have kept me going has really been hard. I spent all day alone, as, even though my father wants me here, he’s working. Birthdays are always a reminder of what a useless, ugly, fat, bad bad person I am.. I ate way too much.. So took lots of laxatives. Waking up this morning and going for a run seems to satisfy the little voice telling I was fat.
Just need to get through the next seven days.. So many memories here that I just can’t deal with. My dads trying he’s best to get me to move back here.. I feel bad as he is here alone, so I need to smile and be a good daughter.
On another note a teacher from my college sent me a really nice email, I want to be able to get something from the past two years.. But not sure I’ll actually be able to as I just can’t concentrate on anything. She was just too kind to me over the years.
Anyway, no real point to this post. Just an update I guess. I’m sorry for moaning.
Thank you for reading.